Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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