as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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