I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
