Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
