apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
