I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
