You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
