So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
