go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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