I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize