A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
