I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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