My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
