eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
