She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
how drunk are you?
Several
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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