I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This is the high leading the old right now
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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