It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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