I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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