i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
