It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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