The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
