So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
