I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
