Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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