its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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