6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
home. puking in laundry basket.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
