News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
