not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm too high and old for this...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
