The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
