My sheets look like a crime scene.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
