he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
As shirtless as possible
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
