I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
