is your mom at the bar?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
