I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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