I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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