The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
