I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
