all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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