I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
