You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
