i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think my moral compass just broke
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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