I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize