I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
