You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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