I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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