Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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