You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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