I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
