Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
