The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
