Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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