I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
