I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
