i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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