Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
